Queen's Speech Faked

Something funny's going on with HM's voice. And it's led the Null's vocal "expert" to believe she's not who she says she is at all. But why would someone want to masquerade as the Queen? Mike Davis is on the case.

Using a database of nine Christmas broadcasts made by Queen Elizabeth II spanning the 1950s to 1980s, Australian researchers have discovered significant anomalies in Her Majesty’s monophthongal formant spacing and frequency range. Or, to put it another way, her voice is different.

Whilst such changes might be attributable to a simple, unconscious movement of the Queen’s vowels towards a more mainstream form of Received Pronunciation, the fact cannot be ignored that a more sinister explanation is possible. The Queen as we know her is not the Queen at all.

It cannot be doubted that the Queen’s appearance and verbal style does change from year to year. Pundits and analysts alike have postulated on various occasions that it is because she is not the same woman. Incredibly similar, yes, but a replacement nonetheless. This research would seem to prove it.

But why? Who would benefit from such a charade, and what agency or government department would have the resources and the skill to carry it off?
Here at Null we’ve carried out our own analysis and discovered some interesting and alarming facts:

• If specific words are selected randomly or random words selected on the basis of their specific validity, the phrase, ‘I am not really the Queen, drink Coca Cola’, is clearly revealed.
  
• If all the page numbers of all the speeches are totalled, some then deducted for the purpose of the experiment, and the remainder divided by the number 7173.9, the result is 738. If those numbers are then transferred to the alphabet, we end up with GCH, the first three characters of the Government’s, Cheltenham-based, covert monitoring establishment.
  
• Finally, tonal analysis of the speeches, when played backwards and remodulated using a pink noise-based carrier signal, closely resemble the high frequency signals emanating from bats and dolphins. A coincidence or an alien language?

What significance this has we will leave you to decide, but the Queen; the CEO of Coca Cola, and the woman who answered the phone at GCHQ all declined our invitation to comment.

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