Top Ten Crazy Patents

We celebrate the world of weird inventions by picking ten of our favourite well-intentioned, yet painfully dismal, patents. Whether you want to learn to dance or just collect your own farts, someone, somewhere will have tried to help. If only they hadn't bothered.

THE NULL'S TOP TEN CRAZY PATENTS
Note: all images come from the original patents

	10. Head Bird Feeder Gets you closer to your feathered friends than ever before, even after your humans friends disown you.
	9. Self Defence Kit with Memo Make notes on how you repelled those evil assailants before you forget those handy moves.
	8. Human Muffler System Want to shout at the boss without them hearing your torrent of abuse? This is for you. You big wimp.
	7. Maternity Beach Lounger Being pregnant no longer has to mean untanned cheeks thanks to this handy invention.
	6. Adjustable Head Placard Is talking too much like hard work? Write a message on this handy placard and take the worry away.
	5. Dancing Aids Learn to dance while looking like a complete prick with these exciting aids. Stupid hat optional.
	4. Parrot Potty Do you love your pet parrot, but not the mess? Just slip on a parrot potty and watch him hate you.
	3. An Intestinal Gas Collecting Device For all your flatus needs. Just pop this nifty gadget up inside for a few minutes and let it do the biz.
	2. Baby patting machine The perfect way to get your baby to sleep without having to go too close. Comes with wallop mode.
	1. Animal ear protectors If your floppy-eared pet's food-ridden ears are a constant embarrassment, it's payback time.