The Other Lab: Beer Goggles

By Richard Bond

“Scientists [at Manchester University] believe they have worked out a formula to calculate how “beer goggles” affect a drinker’s vision.”

From: BBC News website, 25 November 2005.

In a Manchester club…

Sorry, I can't hear you, the music’s really loud. What did you say you were researching?

Beer goggles.

Beer bottles?

Not bottles, goggles, beer goggles!

Why do you need goggles to drink beer?

You don’t. It's just a way of describing the effect that alcohol has on people’s vision. You know how it is, after a few drinks unattractive people can suddenly appear to be real beauties. That’s caused by beer goggles.

Fascinating.

The thing is, me and my mate Jim have been looking into this and it's not just the amount of alcohol that seems to be important.

Really?

No. It’s also the level of light in the room, how smoky it is and the distance between the drinker and the object. All these things seem to affect the drinker’s vision, as well as the alcohol of course. It’s much more complex than people think.

I can imagine.

We’ve worked out this formula you see, me and Jim, to take account of all the different factors.

A formula, how clever!

Yep. If the formula comes out with a figure between 50 and 100, it means the conditions are likely to make an unappealing person seem rather attractive. Above 100 and a real dog can be turned into a super model!

That’s amazing.

I know. Fancy another drink?

No thanks. Do you know what I’ve noticed?

What’s that?

That the more men drink, the more prone they are to AV.

Really? What’s AV?

Anal vocalisation.

You what?

Anal vocalisation. The more alcohol they consume, the more they seem to talk through their arse. I’ve got a feeling there could be some sort of correlation between beer goggles and AV. What do you think?

Could be, shall we talk about this a bit more back at my place?

In your dreams mate, in your dreams…