Sun To Be Destroyed
By Barney Grenfell
For years mankind has dreamed of destroying the Sun. Now it seems like that dream is finally within our grasp. Researchers at the Centre for Research Into Annihilation of Solar Bodies (CRIASB) believe they have found the solution to the thorny problem of how to get rid of the Sun.“Most irritating interstellar bodies can be disposed of fairly easily with some kind of thermo-nuclear device1.” says leading research fellow, Robert Asquith. “One of the key problems that our team has faced is the fact that the Sun is already thermo-nuclear, so we thought detonating a thermo-nuclear device on its surface would probably not be a viable solution.
”It is our hope that using a very powerful non-thermo nuclear device detonated on the surface of the sun will cause a chain reaction within the sun leading to complete self-destruction. We have done extensive lab research on this which has yielded some very promising results.”Detractors of Asquith’s work are not so sure. A leading NASA astronaut, who preferred not to be named for legal reasons said yesterday,
“‘To quote the leading solar researchers, They Might Be Giants “The Sun is hot – the Sun is not, a place where you could live”. Emphasis on the not.
”I think that says it all. We at NASA would almost definitely not consider any kind of space expedition that involved landing on the Sun or anything with a surface temperature of 6000 degrees Celsius. Risk of harmful UV exposure at that range is practically guaranteed.”
Others question the wisdom of destroying the Sun, suggesting that the threat it poses has been over-exaggerated. Asquith’s response is succinct.
“This is not even a sensible question. The Sun is an obvious menace. Its ability to cause skin cancer and sunburn is well documented, but it also makes ginger people red and freckly, makes fat men sweat profusely on public transport and melts ice cream.
”Vitamin D can be obtained by a simple food supplement. The negative aspects of the Sun far outweigh the positive ones and I am looking forward to a new Sun-free utopia where old men are no longer forced to endure the indignity of having to wear knotted hankies on their heads. Death to the fiery ball!”
A spokesperson from Console Sun Centre, CRIASB’s leading funder, spoke out in support of the work of Asquith’s team. ”It is absurd that in the 21st century we are still relying on naturally occurring sunlight as our primary source. Eventually this natural Sun will run out, at which time we are going to need to pursue alternative methods of getting the sunlight we need. At Console we are funding research into providing safe, artificial sunlight which will give you all the benefits of natural sunlight but without any of the side effects.”
Researchers who claim that the Sun is the source of all life on this planet have been denounced as alarmist.1 Reference: film ‘Armageddon’
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Image: Ilona Kuusela
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