Paint Slows Spunk

By Ryan Curtis, Montana

A new study published in Occupational Environmental Medicine has shown that men working as painters and interior decorators have lower sperm motility, thanks to a compound present in many products, including water-based paints. Slower sperm can lead to male infertility and therefore, logically, lower numbers of painter progeny.

This goes a long way towards explaining why the number of people in these professions has traditionally remained low - they have been naturally selected against.

Over the past two decades, however, the use of glycol ethers - the sperm slowing culprits - in household paints has decreased, which could mean that we will be overwhelmed with a surplus population of painters and interior decorators.

Hordes of the unemployed will be languishing on the streets, wielding brushes and offering to paint your house for mere pennies. The quality of their hand-made cardboard signs will be much higher than the average derelicts’, however. And at least everyone will be able to afford a fantastic-looking house.

Another surprising result of the study is that regular consumption of alcohol increases semen quality. This indicates that if men who are exposed to glycol ether want to help their partners conceive, they should definitely drink while they paint. An added bonus of this will be more interesting interior decoration schemes.

For more spunky science stories, check out Ryan's homepage.