Cabbage Patch Kids are Nuclear Mutants

By Shamini Bundell

A vision of nuclear beauty?

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The Cabbage Patch Kids are, when you look at them now, slightly disturbing in appearance. Why make a child’s doll so…ugly? Could there be an explanation for their bulbous cheeks and small eyes?

Well, back when they were in high demand among children, someone realized that they looked just like survivors of a nuclear holocaust. Obvious when you think about it. The story goes that the Reagan administration ordered the dolls to be made to resemble humans after a nuclear attack, so that people got used to the image and weren’t completely put off reproducing with each other. A noble contribution to the survival of the human race.

So let’s hope we’re all suitably prepared for a future where everyone is round and squishy and rather chubby and…wait a minute. They’re not mutants at all. It wasn’t nuclear war we were being prepared for but obesity! President Reagan must have realized that America could never survive if obese people found each other too unattractive to reproduce. So we know what to do if the population of the fat western countries starts dropping…bring back the Cabbage Patch Kids!

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