The bog standards: A bit of toilet humour
Us Brits are labelled with all kinds of stereotypes by our European neighbours: our stiff upper lips, our hooliganism, our need to boil all the taste from food. Then there's our fascination with all things lavatorial. The Null's roving reporter Patrick McCeenan donned his janitor's uniform and went in search of the truth about toilets.
'How lucky you English are to find the toilet so amusing. For us, it is a mundane and functional item. For you it is the basis of an entire culture.' - The Red Baron.
Britain's toilets were once the envy of the world; we even have our own British Toilet Association charged with looking after the nation's public lavvies. We're proud of our toilet's, and why not? As innovations go, they're a simple concept, but have changed our lives immeasurably, and true to form we find them fascinating. The world of toilet science never stands still, the next new sensation is always just around the u-bend.
The world's most advanced toilet
It seems when it comes to technology these days, the Japanese always get there first. They had video phones long before we did, they had bullet trains while we were still moaning about leaves on the track, and now they have a toilet to die for. The Washlet Zoe is a loo with an incredible, if a little crazy, seven flush functions and is described as the most sophisticated dunny in the world. The record-breaking design boasts an automatic self-raising lid, heated seat, automatic air freshener and a system to wash and dry the occupant; some models even have a sound effect system to cover up embarrassing noises. I tracked one down, and tried it out.
Were you to be able to shell out the £1500 required to purchase a Washlet Zoe, lowering yourself on to the pre-warmed, ergonomically designed seat could well become one of the greater pleasures in life. However, this was were the problems started. A little to eager to try out the specialities I leaned forward towards the console, pressed one of the buttons and a stream of warm, cleansing water missed my bum completely and shot half way up my back. This particular model didn't have the sound-effects option and thus failed to hide the ensuing tirade of curses. The drying facility, however, whilst doing nothing for my damp back, did provide the wonderful sensation, something akin to hanging your backside into a warm breeze; coupled with a dash of forest-glade air freshener, I had a touch of the tropics at my rear.
All in all, soakings aside, Washlet Zoe provided one of the more memorable toilet experiences of my life, and yet maybe there are better things to spend your money on. After all toilets are, to all intents and purposes, functional items - and pretty underrated ones at that. Have you ever looked at your toilet and thought "you little life-saver"?
Sanitise to save lives
When people talk of medical breakthroughs you might think of penicillin, organ transplants or the AIDS vaccine. However, if one advance has managed to save more lives over the last two hundred years it's the rise of sanitation. The lavatory has drastically reduced deaths caused by dysentery, cholera, diarrhoea and typhoid, in the industrialised world, simply by reducing the risk of contaminating drinking water.
In the mid 1800s cholera outbreaks alone killed over 140,000 people in the UK, epidemics occurring roughly every seven years. Thanks to the loo, cholera is now virtually unheard of in Britain.
On world toilet day (come on, you know there had to be one) it was announced that adequate sanitation could be provided to the entire world at a cost of £10 billion a year, which is less that the West spends on pet food. There's something to think about next time you empty the cat's litter tray. Furthermore, a group of scientists believe that we haven't been making enough of our toilet technology even in the places that we do have it.
The power to save power
The London Science Museum attracts over three million visitors every year, something which contributes heavily to their huge electricity overheads. In a bold move, museum bosses are looking at innovative ways to cut costs, one of them being to recycle toilet waste to generate power. The feasibility of such a scheme is still being assessed but if the project gets approval, it could be the first of many poo-powered attractions in the capital and beyond. At the Centre for Alternative Technology in Powys, Wales, visitors are already being given the choice between conventional toilets or using the highly efficient compost toilets. To the children it is a great source of amusement; to the fruit and vegetables that are grown on site it is a super source of nutrition. Prize winning marrows all 'round!
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